In ten days, I will be the luckiest man on earth.
I will be standing across from the beautiful, amazing, incredible, fantastic Melissa Jensen, and I will say, “I do.” With that sentence, I say the biggest “YES” I have ever said in my life, pledging myself to her and only to her until death do us part.
April 1st was the deadline for medical schools to inform applicants of their decisions. April 1st came and went. This past June, I had sent out 9 applications to medical schools across the country, and by April 1, I had nine “NO’s” in my hands.
A few days ago, I sat in a donation bed and donating stem cells through a program called “Be the Match.” This program determined that I had very similar bone marrow to a patient somewhere in the country that desperately needed my help to stay alive. Several doctor’s visits, injections, and a long day of donating stem cells later, I have no idea if the patient I donated to is still alive. The best I know at the moment is, “Maybe.”
I have had so much going on in my life lately. I have moved twice in the last 6 months. I have been through the highs of employment and volunteering and new friendships and finding a home. I have been through the lows of disappointment and pain.
I am 23 years old.
If you didn’t know this about me, I struggle with control over my future. I fight and fight and fight to try to maintain the path that I think I should be on. Sometimes, that is the right path to be on: Yes. Sometimes that is clearly the wrong path to be on: no.
Sometimes, I have no idea: maybe.
And that is really hard for me. Really hard. I want to wrap up myself in my confidence and bravado and pride and purpose and just stroll out into a life that is waiting for me. Along the way, I am bombarded with choices, chances, and courses that I have to say Yes or No to.
Most times, I do pretty well. The choices come so naturally, and the words yes or no escape through my mouth without hesitation. Sometimes the words catch in my throat, and I have to squeeze them out, painfully one by one.
And then there are the times that I have to say, “Maybe.”
I have decided that I hate the word maybe. It really means nothing. Nothing at all, just a placeholder for space that doesn’t deserve to be filled. It is just there. Maybe is what comes to our minds when we need to stall, or provide a null answer, or just wait out a wave of passion so we don’t have to make a decision. Maybe is the scared shadow of our psyche that comes out when the bravado and boldness fails.
Maybe is the word we say when we have no words to say.
My life continues to amaze me. For those of you that know me well, I love telling a good story. In order to tell a good story, you have to first have a good story to tell.
One of my favorite stories to tell is the time where I was accidentally swept up in a pranking scheme with a bunch of students at a different university. After an unfortunate name mix up, I entered a world of pranks that would come to define an incredible year of my life, and provide some friendships that I would truly cherish.
The only reason I have that story to tell is because I said yes to helping with some tomfoolery.
During that time, I said no to many things, but perhaps none larger than an option to help lead an undergraduate study group as a TA.
Did that decision come back to bite me?
The problem is, as much as I want to focus on the yes’s and the no’s, it is the maybe’s that ricochet around my head at night. For every time I have used a maybe, or even entertained the thought of a maybe, I have a multitude of times that I have said yes or no. So many of them have led me down incredible paths.
But it is so much easier to dream about the maybes. Even when those dreams are nightmares.
I don’t even know what the questions are yet, but there are times coming very soon that I will need to answer yes or no to. I know for a fact that I will answer yes, yes, a million times yes to Melissa. I know that I will say no to many opportunities that cross my path in the pursuit of the path I believe I am created to be on. There will be many many more.
What scares me the most is that I thrive in the maybe’s of life. The options. The paths. The plans. The pursuit.
I don’t know how good I am at the Yes’s and the No’s yet.
But I will learn. I will have to learn.
The questions will come.
So will the answers.
There are some who will read this and think that I am scared of myself or the path that I am on. Mom, I am looking at you 🙂
That’s not it at all. I am happier and healthier than I have been in a long time. Slowly but surely, I am finding purpose, refining myself, and creating something incredible. It is a slow process, but it is an incredible one. In 10 days, I will get to share in that process with my best friend, who continues to inspire me even further. Each day that I wake, I am surrounded by those who love me, and who can find love in me. At least, I hope so!
The fact of the matter is that I have gotten pretty good at saying yes. I have even gotten better at saying no. I no longer want to say maybe as much.
But it is still there.
And I think it is there for you too.
There is something in my mind that tells me when to write. I don’t do it very often, but it starts with a small word or phrase bouncing around in my head, which snowballs into this torrent of words cascading out through my head and heart and pulsing through my fingertips. For some reason, in these moments, the words cease to be planned, but rather move from a position of potential to existence with no transition.
There is no maybe in these words.
And I think I am finally figuring out why.
When I was a freshman in high school, I was the king of the maybe. Living for the next moment, and completely forgetting about the moment that I was in as soon as it passed. That plan worked perfectly until life just continued to throw no’s at me until the moment where I wanted to say, “NO” to myself.
No’s are the thing we don’t want to hear about ourselves, but they are so often the first things we say to ourselves.
Thank goodness I had people that continued to teach me how to say Yes to myself and to each and every moment in life.
But really, there is only one reason I started saying yes.
I can’t be who I am without Jesus Christ.
That might be the point of this narrative that you stop reading.
It might be the moment where you decide to focus on everything I have said thus far.
It might be the moment where you get angry or frustrated or discontent with my words.
That’s perfectly ok.
Because I can’t speak for you, I can only speak for me.
In Jesus, I have someone who said yes to me. To taking on my sin. My pain. My brokenness. My shame.
In Jesus, I have someone who said no to the devil, no to the world, no to a life of perfect intimacy with God to step down here and say no to an option of ending it all.
There was no maybe.
Not a single maybe.
I don’t know the next set of questions, but I do know I am ready for them.
For the times of indecision, I have the answer.
For the times of excitement, I have the answer.
For the times of love, I have the answer.
For the times of adventure, and passion, and confusion, and chaos, and pain, and uncertainty, I have the answer.
When life hits me with everything that it has, even when I don’t know or understand what it is hitting me with, I have the answer.
As much as I want to say maybe, I don’t need to.
I have my answer.
I am happy, healthy, and fully in love. I am confused about my future, and I constantly doubt myself. I have found passions and purposes that continue to challenge me. I have found people that love me, and I have found new ways to love others.
I don’t know what my next steps are. I am not exactly sure what it means to be a good husband. I don’t know for sure if I am going to be a doctor. I don’t know exactly how to convince others to become alive. I don’t know if the patient I donated stem cells to is going to survive. But most of all, I don’t know what it truly means to be Adam Logeman. Not yet anyways.Those just aren’t my questions to answer at the moment.
I have the answer.